Human Nature

So recently one of my friends wrote a letter to the editor and i thought man she is cool I would love to get some mad street cred too. So i shall write my own letter to the editor. Below is my letter and fingers crossed they publish it :D

"Pretend there's a picture here. I cbf google image searching anything with the word gay in it, Even I can only handle so much porn"

Last time i checked humans were a species on this planet just like cats, dogs, chimps and dolphins. Why is it then, that whenever humans do something a little different to the rest of society it's considered "unnatural".

When NSW MP Fred Nile stated that Senator Wongs lifestyle was unnatural he has basically said she is some man made abomination. All humans are a part of nature and for us to do something unnatural is impossible! And if we do ignore the fact that humans are a part of nature then how do we decide what's natural? If it happens in the wild? Well guess what. Homosexual behavior has been documented in nearly all species. And although it's rare there are species that have individual animals engaging exclusively in homosexual activities, such as sheep where roughly 10% of rams are exclusively homosexual.

This shows that there is nothing unnatural about homosexuality. The only unnatural thing i can think humans could do would be to create artificial social boundaries that inhibit completely natural behaviors. Say for example... outlawing gay marriage?

Metaphorical Sluts

Today I was thinking about sex, yeah i do that a lot, and thinking jeez it would be fun to have tonnes of meaningless sex or even just a little bit of meaningless sex. However I always think that and then say to myself "But Mitchell! if you did that you'd be a slut, a whore, a dirty tramp, a sluzdog millionaire, a meat recycling plant, a voracious penis guzzler, a cock kirby, an insatiable skankasaurous rex, a... well, you get the idea.

Some kind of meat machine, but rest assured I was not talking about this. Your dirty mind was correct on this occasion.

INTERRUPTION: I'm listening to "Sexy And I Know It" by LMFAO and the bass just came on and i seriously jizzed soooo much... and back to the blog.

Sooooooo much.

Anyway today after having that thought a second thought entered my mind for the first time.

"But Mitchell, What's so bad about being a slut? Don't you say you shouldn't care what people think? If it's fun and you use protection why not slurry it up a bit?" and for a while i was stumped. Why can't i be a slut if i want? I would love to have sex every night and give my right hand a break for a while but for some reason I just felt like it was wrong and this is when i came up with a metaphor for sluttery.

* Please note this metaphor only works from an aussies POV *

Being a slut is like being Bali. It's fun people like you, some people think you're dirty but overall people still like you and they have fun in and around you. However everyone's been there and there's not much mystery, People will talk and compare their experiences some good or bad. You're quite likely to get people sick if their not safe and, not in a mean way, you're quite cheap.

On the other hand you could be somewhere like the top of Mt Everest. You may not have as much of a reputation as a crazy fun place but people will respect you. More people will wish they could go but aren't able to yet because anyone can but they just need to work really hard to get there. If people go there they'll remember it forever and treasure it, as opposed to Bali where people are like meah I can just go back whenever i want. It's mysterious and majestic and will establish more meaningful journeys.

So yeah that slutaphor helped me make up my mind once and for all. I shall never be a slut and i will never have a one night stand and I'm happy about that :D

Rage Blog

Blergh.

That is my response to all the dirty ho's I've see at the Deen lately.

Dirty Hose and Dirty Ho's. Learn the difference, it could save your life/genitals.

A few weeks ago some girl wanted my spot on the stage. I had waited and waited and then just for the fun of it I waited some more. Eventually i got to the front of the stage and this dirty ho tried to take my spot!

The first thing she did was to try and use her feminine wiles to get me to move, however when she realised i wasn't interested in her downstairs tuna pouch things got nasty. She kept hipbutting me trying to get me out of the way, over and over again almost as if all she's ever done is move her hips up and down and around and around all her life... Ohwait, dirty ho = She does thrust and grind like it's going out of fashion.

This started to really hurt when she got the weird part of my knee, So i lent over the stage and started complaining to my friends about this dirty ho.

So she poured her drink in my hair.

Now i don't normally approve of the C word but after shaking my hair in her face I dropped the C-bomb on her more times then an american flying over Japan. Then she got kicked out and my night resumed it's wonderful ways

On the 25th of June I went out and, once again, met some more dirty whores. It's probably the easiest thing to do in the world, waiting in line. It's not quite as easy as the girls I met but easy nonetheless. If people do it then it just helps society function a lot better.

Anyway these Dirty Ho's kept trying to push in and eventually they all got past me bar two of them. Anyway these 2 that got stuck started having a go at me saying "Just let us in, we wanna go in!" For one thing it was probably the first time they've been the ones saying those sentences. However they were so selfish! EVERYONE WANTS TO GET IN BITCH!, THAT"S WHY WE'RE WAITING!

Then they started being like how old are you anyway like 16? Yeah I though this was a Wiggles concert, jeez i was disappointed when i saw it was a club. Worst insult ever Fuck Off. Anyway eventually we all got in and i didn't see them for the rest of the night. I'll be out on the town again this week please world keep your dirty ho's indoors.

But I wore my Captain Feathersword outfit and everything :(

Why I'm glad I'm not a pirate

Quite a few people would cut off there right hand to be a pirate. Which is convenient, because i assume a hook is a pre-requisite for being a pirate captain. Aim high pirate hopefuls.

However I would never want to be a pirate.

At first glance it looks like all fun and games:

• You get mountains of booty, and some treasure too. (See what i did there? booty? As in my body's too bootylicious for you? Yeah i'm pretty ghetto fabulous. What of it?)
• You can just chuck everyone you hate off a plank. Personally I wish more plankers would take up this version of the "sport"
• You get to drink rum until planking sounds like a good idea.
• And you get to walk around like this motherlicker

(Look closely at the above picture, The plaits are legs, the goatee is the body, the mo is the arms and his nostrils are the eyes. Congratulations you have discovered Johnny Depps face-man-thing)

But after all the fun and games you have to ask yourself why?

Why do pirates take so much Booty? Why do they hate so many people? Why do they drink so much rum? And why does Johnny Depp have a facial hair man on his face?

Anywayyyy I think i know the answer

Think back to the start of this article. If all the pirates have hooks for hands....

*whispers* How do they masturbate?

I will tell you how.

Very painfully/Not at all.

I mean No wonder they have their way with so many women.

And when it all comes down to it. There will never ever be anyone who could ever replace my right hand. Let alone a hook *shudders*

Soooo yeah, Imma be a ninja instead.

Catching the train is a complex psychological rollercoaster ride which I, um, ride everyday

When i sit down on the train the first thing I do is try and make myself look as mean as possible. I do this in several ways; by putting on my hood if I have one, looking down, injecting heroin into my eyeballs and physically scarring myself all in an effort to make sure no-one sits next to me. (Even after all this looking scary is quite hard when you haven't levelled up enough to grow even the hint of a menacing beard).

I go to all this effort because of one fact.

Fact: approximately 80% of locomotive transport users are yet to discover the magic of deodorant.

But if the bus gets full and no one sits next to me, in my head, I'm all like

"um is there something you wanna say to me?"

"Am i dresses innappropriately!?"

"DO YOU ALL HATE ME?!"

"WHY WON'T ANYONE SIT NEXT TO ME GODDAMMIT?!?!"

*someone sits down next to me*

Fuck off why are you sitting there?

Dirty Bogan breeding grounds, Also known as Perth Train Station